That One Glorious Night
"I went out tonight. No special destination in mind, no reason for going out other than leaving the confines of that old run down car lot. As friendly as everyone is there, the walls of that place seem to be closing in on me more and more everyday. I've been feeling so sad lately, and couldn't put my finger on why. Never once. Then it hit me...this morning as I woke up and looked in the side mirror of Dion's truck as I walked over to say hello. And I saw my own face...unchanged. Unblemished. Not a scratch, not a scar, not a zit....nothing. I was still 14 years old. I mean...14...and I'd never get any older. I'd be this way until the stars burned out, and there was nothing that I could do about it. It was that realization that made me finally realize...it had been ten years.Ten years...ten. It passed by me so fast that I never once thought about it. There was so much to learn, so much to do. Bryson kept my mind occupied every minute of the day with some silly chore or task around town. And any free time that I had left over, I spent talking to Dion, or to Jenna, or to Rain. I guess that ten years to one of 'our kind' is a drop of water in the ocean of time. If it weren't for the winter time, I would know one year from the other. I hardly even remember when my birthday is anymore. Ten years. My God...where did it go? I've never had a job. I never learned how to drive. I never graduated from high school or went to college. I never got to see my dreams realized, or had a place of my own. I never had a credit card or written a check for anything. I've heard of people being depressed because they feel that their childhood was stolen from them...but how many were cheated out of an adulthood, I ask you? There were so many places I wish I could have seen, so many foods I wish I had tasted, so many things I wanted to do. Sometimes I was much happier when I thought I might grow old one day, and eventually escape the misery of life for something better. It's an odd existence sometimes when you have that notion snatched away from you.
Hell...I'm still a VIRGIN for crying outloud! And since my body is stuck this way, I still have wet dreams, still have spontaneous erections, still have my hormones pumping out sexuality like some machine. Sigh...I know that one day, even if only out of curiousity, I'll give in and probably sleep with Trevor. I hate to admit it, but in those quiet moments, when I'm alone and stroking myself to rid my body of the sexual tension...Trevor's body still pops into my mind. I still picture myself wrapped up in him, entangled in his embrace, kissing those perfect lips of his. He's so beautiful, and he knows it. When I walk by him, he can feel the emotions inside me getting weaker. My sex drive pulling me towards him while my common sense keeps me so distant by pulling away. It's not that I don't want him, it's just...I don't love him. I never have. And my sexual attraction to him is just that...an attraction. He doesn't have the heart to ever be anything more than that to me. I don't see any beauty behind his eyes. I see the stuff on the outside...the blond hair, the baby brown eyes, the slim waist and smooth skin. I see his smile, I see his long neck, his perfect butt. And I must admit...I saw him naked once at the mission showers. VERY impressive, believe me! Still...there's soooo much missing from the total package. Something unseen. I mean, I don't want someone who looks good to me and everyone else on the planet. I want someone whose inner beauty shines through, and only shows itself to the people who get close enough to him to love and respect it. I want the kind of beauty that shines for me and me alone, in those quiet moments when we gaze into each other's eyes and make a promise to be together forever. I guess I just need something more...untouchable. And Trevor doesn't have that.
Still...there are times when I just want to trade in this silly romantic fantasy of mine for something concrete. Times when I just want to explode sexually. Times when I want to connect to somebody, anybody, and fool myself into thinking that 'this is it'. This is love. I find myself looking at people in the streets, hoping that I see someone sexually stimulating enough to make me feel as close to 'love' as lust will take me. Still...even when my body screams for passion, and my mind compells me to make a choice, and my emotions tell me to use them before they all go to waste...my heart won't let me fall in love. Not if it isn't true. So every feeling that I've had for any boy that I've seen over the last ten years has been artificial at best. I haven't felt even a hint of love since I left home. Since that one beautiful boy took me to see my first sunrise. A practice I wish I had been able to appreciate before the sun became my nemesis. Now, the emotion itself seems beyond me. Now all I think about is life, the sun, the lake...and what I left behind.
I miss my friends, I miss my brother Alec, I miss my mom. When I left, I was angry. I was defiant and rebellious and looking to prove some kind of nonexistant point about how strong I could be on my own. That rainy night, when I walked out that door with Alec in my arms...I never thought it would be forever.
Just think...Alec's probably big enough to kick my ass now. I can't even imagine him as anything other than that playful 4 year old, swinging his feet and banging loudly against any hard surface he could find. God...I miss that sound.
I had been going out to the lake almost every night since they rebuilt Navy Pier. Now a home to tourists and people looking for a good time. Ferris wheel, Carousel, shops and movie theaters...the whole place was alive with people in the earlier hours of the evening. But it only depressed me in the end. Seeing them live, and laugh, and kiss out by the old anchor. Sigh...I sometimes sit out bythat anchor, hoping that one night it will bring the same love and beauty to my life too. As though the power of love would somehow rub off on me and give me the ability to feel it for real again. It never worked. Not until tonight...when I went out.
I sat out by the old anchor, hidden in the shadows where a nobody like me belonged, and wondered if maybe I could make just one last escape. This time from the lot. I know Jenna and Dion would worry, that Rain would probably shut herself down completely, and Bryson would blame himself for what happened to me. Still...I began to wonder if it was worth it. To just sit right here, and make an attempt to see just ONE more sunrise. Just one. I had been out there for hours, when I heard footsteps. The sound, the speed, the method of the steps...had to be human. I sat still, still hidden in shadow, and I waited for him to walk up. It was a boy...he looked about 13 or 14 years old, I suppose. A bit on the skinny side, but not anorexic. Blond haired, smooth as silk, and a certain blond beauty that was more subtle than the good looks that seemed to hit you over the head when Trevor was around. This was different. It was like the difference between the intimidating looks of a super model, and the cute charm and grace of the boy next door. The kind of cuteness that endeared him to your heart almost instantly. It began as a mere curiousity at first, then I began wishing that he would leave me in peace. I didn't want to be curious, I didn't want to think about much of anything at all. It all seemed so futile up to that point. Yet...something about him intrigued me.
I started to say something, but he moved closer to the edge of the railing. Very close. And leaned over to look at the water beneath him. It was then that the moonlight caught his face just right...and I saw that he was crying. Was it sympathy? Who knows? But something inside of me was struck by the sight of it. There was something so...'human' about it. And as he wept silently to himself, I saw more beauty in him than in anyone I had ever seen before. I saw a purpose. Some weird light that shined so bright inside of him, that his body couldn't contain it. And that light was reflected even brighter through the trail of his tears. I think the moment I became infatuated with this boy, was when a single tear rolled down his cheek, and dripped from his chin. I could hear the drop as it hit the lake, and it echoed in my mind. I did what I could to keep from reading his mind. I had been doing it for so long that it was almost automatic. But for some reason, I didn't want to invade that part of him, not fully. I would much rather have had it come from his lips than any other resource available to our kind. So I held back...and just admired him from afar for a few moments. My heart reached out for that boy, and something made me want to comfort him. To protect him. It was a stronger yearning than sex, stronger than pride. The only reason I didn't run to him was the fact that I was terrified that I'd scare him off. Kinda like when you see a deer in the woods, and know that if you make the slightest movement, it'll hear you and run off, losing the moment forever. Seeing him...it was just like that. And I was still.
I watched him for maybe an hour that night, never saying a word, and then...without any warning, he turned around and left. Frustrated, sad, alone. I peered around the anchor and watched him walk away into the night. I leaned back and sighed outloud to myself, a jittery feeling in my chest. I began to shiver and almost thought that my body was getting 'hungry' again already. But these weren't hunger pains. This was something else. Something I haven't felt a spark of for years. And I began to wonder if I would ever see this boy again. It was a little thing, nothing serious. But I couldn't deny that it made me feel better inside. I decided that I should just go back to the lot...if only just to find that cute blond boy again. I couldn't put my finger on it, but there was something so hypnotic about his pain. Something that made it seem as though he would be able to understand and accept my own pain on a level that nobody else ever could. Whatever it was, it convinced me to make a plan to keep coming back. To keep looking for this boy who had captivated me without even knowing I was there.
When I got back to the lot, I laid my head down to sleep. And for the first time...I smiled. Smiled at the confusion that I felt inside, and the anticipation of feeling it again sometime soon. From what little I scanned of his mind by accident, I was able to at least get a name. 'Justin'. Sigh....Justin...
I like that name.
I hope you guys liked this little addition to the "Gone From Daylight: Mask Of Shadows" premier! And remember, there are PLENTY more secrets where this came from! K? Seezya soon!!!!
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